all the trinkets

navigating life in my 20s

Tag: Personal Growth

  • What’s Stopping You From Doing What You Want to Do?

    Seriously. I’m curious.

    Think of something, just one thing, right now. Something that you’ve always wanted to do but never found the time. This urge deep, deep inside you that just wants out. It just screams to be shared to the world. But it didn’t get to.

    What is it that’s holding you back? That’s making you hesitate to take the first step? That no matter how many times you’ve replayed Shia Labeouf’s iconic (and probably now a classic) motivation clip, you STILL didn’t do it?

    Is it your need for perfection? Or is it procrastination? Is it maybe because you feel guilty? Or you have more important things to do? Or you feel like you’re not ready for it? That you’re not good enough?

    What’s Stopping You From Doing What You Want to Do? | Personal Growth, Fear, Positivity

    I like to think there’s one word for it, whatever it is that’s holding you back:

    Fear.

    I mean… perfectionism? That’s fear. Procrastination? Fear. Guilt? Busy-ness? Insecurity? F E A R.

    Me + Fear = Self-doubt

    At the start of the year, I planned this monthly creative thing. During each month, I was supposed to work on one huge illustration. It was supposed to be my 2017 creative project where I could improve on anatomy, get out of my creative comfort zone, practice putting more details on my work.

    Now that I think about it, they’re all ambitious shenanigans.

    Three months into it, I was still okay. I got to create illustrations that I was proud of, even now. But March was also the last month of our school year. Things got hectic and busy. I was meeting project deadlines. At the same time, deep inside me, doubt was starting to grow. Doubt on myself, mostly. On my art.

    Utterly overwhelmed, I ran towards and hid behind the protection the busy-ness of school life provided. I had more important things to do, I reasoned out. I needed to make a priority. Funny thing, this was exactly what happened to me last year. I threw out everything not related to school.

    My art, my blog, and *chokes* books.

    That was hell, I tell you. And I regretted not having enough time for my hobbies.

    I promised myself I wasn’t going to be like that this year. But, surprise surprise, I went back into that rabbit hole. Less than a year later.

    Here’s another example:

    I am a World-class Procrastinator™. Most times, I procrastinate because I’m lazy (especially in things like, you know, school). But sometimes I procrastinate in creating a blog post or doing this illustration that I’ve been planning in my head for a while now. And I constantly beat myself up over it.

    Fear manifests into your life in so many ways

    You might take a look at what’s holding you back and think, “Pssh, nah. That ain’t fear.” But if you look real close and think about it real hard, you’d realize that yes it is fear.

    My refuge to busy-ness? That’s me avoiding the challenge I’ve set myself up because of self-doubt. Because I was afraid of failing that challenge. Being a creative procrastinator? That’s me fearing I won’t do what I imagined in my mind justice.

    Like, you know how boggarts transform into that very thing you’re afraid of? How it turned into a giant spider for Ron and a dementor for Harry? That is the very essence of fear.

    It morphs and takes different shapes, depending on the person that encounters it.

    Now, I’m facing another encounter with fear. And it’s holding me back again. But this time’s different. I refuse to let it hold me back. I don’t want to feel awful at myself because I didn’t try to step away from my fear. Not anymore. And if you’re in a similar position as me right now, neither should you.

    So what can we do about it?

    Really, the first step to all this is knowing you’re afraid of something. And that fear is holding you back.

    Sometimes we like to be in denial even with ourselves. I get it. My gosh, it can be sooo hard to be honest with yourself. Because truth is supposedly simple but it also hurts, which makes it so difficult to confront, let alone acknowledge.

    So I always take the phrase “reflect on your actions” to heart. I try to give myself time and space alone to reflect on what I did and why I did it. Sometimes I reflect while doodling. Sometimes I’m just staring at my ceiling while the Hamilton soundtrack is playing in the background. I couldn’t care less, so long as I’m reflecting and acknowledging my flaws and fears.

    If pure, staring-blankly-into-space reflection is hard for you, here are other ways you can reflect:

    <3 Talk with someone—whether it’s a friend, or a confidante, or a professional

    <3 Write an entry in your journal

    <3 Meditate or do yoga

    <3 Read books in a genre you rarely read

    <3 Cook or bake

    <3 Do pottery or other crafty activities

    <3 Listen to relaxing music

    When you’re at that point where you’re frustrated at yourself because you are not doing the thing that ignites your passion, it’s time to reflect. Ask yourself, “What is it that’s holding me back? What am I afraid of?”

    Awareness is always the first step. The moment you are aware of your emotions and fears, the moment you acknowledge their existence, the rest is a little bit easier to deal with. At least that’s what I think 🙂

    Check back here again next Wednesday for part two of this… Post? Impromptu series? Whatever you call it. 😉 I will talk about the rest of the steps you could take to step out of fear’s grasp and start doing what you’ve always wanted to do. For now, take the first step. And tell me:

    Is there something you’ve always wanted to do but never got to? What’s holding you back? Is it fear just like mine? Do you take time for self-reflection? How do you reflect on your day?

    I’d love to hear your stories and thoughts! 🙂

  • What Color Pencils Taught Me about Things You Can’t Control

    Okay, Kate. How in the world are color pencils connected to control and perfectionism???

    If you’ll just read on, it’ll make sense. I promise. Or I hope it does. So here goes.

    What Color Pencils Taught Me About Things You Can't Control | Inspiration, Personal Growth, Perfectionism

    Yep. I’m a perfectionist.

    Or well, I used to be a hardcore one…? Now, I’ve loosened up a bit. (I think. Kind of.) The thing is, I’ve always tried to look into every miniscule detail of what I do.

    I wanted to make sure that everything, every last little thing, every single tiny microscopic little thing* was perfect. To a T. That includes my art. So while I’m drawing something, various anxious perfectionist questions pop out of my head like,

    Is the anatomy alright?
    Are the color combinations aesthetically pleasing?
    Did I get the skin color right?
    Are there any unnecessary marks?
    Is that stray hair strand dramatic as I want it to look?
    Or is it just totally awkward?
    Oh god, it does look awkward, doesn’t it?
    Why does the cactus look like a rotten, withered cucumber??
    And why does her skin color look like Donald-freakin-Trump’s**???

    I know right. Why am I stressing over a hair strand. Ugh.

    The thing is, I used to avoid color pencils because, like watercolor before, they’ve given me artistic trauma***.

    *Please tell me you knew this reference. Halloween is coming.
    **True story.
    ***Yes, it is a phrase. And yes, I’m exaggerating 😉

    You know how when you use regular color pencils you have to put light pressure when sketching because it’ll be hard to erase if you don’t?

    Yep, I learned that the hard, artistically traumatic way.

    See, I’m the kind of person who has a really pressured penmanship. Sometimes I’m super focused on writing that I literally tear the paper in half.

    It’s scary, I know.

    And I also sketch that way. So you can just imagine little ten-year-old Kate who tried color pencils for the first time in her art class and ended up making this hot mess because she spent most of the time frustratingly erasing the color pencil.

    Literally how I felt afterwards

    Scarred, little Kate vowed to never touch a color pencil for the rest of her life. (Lol I should stop talking about myself in third person, it’s creepy)

    Anyway, the point here is: little Kate is such a hardcore perfectionist. And back then, I wanted control in every aspect of my life, even my drawings.

    I avoided color pencils and watercolor back then like the plague because I knew I won’t be able to have as much control with them as I do with pencils and pen. I wanted something I can easily control. But now that I think about it, you really can’t have that.

    There are things that are totally out of your control.

    This was so hard for me to accept, by the way.

    Most likely because I was a stubborn perfectionist.

    It always frustrated me when things get out of hand and everything becomes a hot mess and before I knew it I’m crying like a toddler who didn’t get her candy. But I’ve come to accept that there really are things that are uncontrollable. That no matter how you stubbornly want to micromanage things, they may not go the way you want it to be.

    And you know what? No amount of effort on your part will make the uncontrollable controllable.

    It’s harsh, but the truth is often that.

    So instead of whining about how you can’t control the uncontrollable, focus instead on what you can actually control.

    I tried to sketch with color pencils last week (much to ten-year-old Kate’s despair, I’m sure) and I thought, “If color pencils aren’t easily erasable, I’ll just have to try to put as light a pressure as I possibly could.”

    Let me tell you: that first time was sooo hard. I had to squint my eyes to see the lines and in several occasions, I was sooo tempted to darken them. But I can’t control the unerasable-ness of the color pencil. So I had to control my pressure instead.

    The whole ten or so minutes was an exercise to my perfectionism and need for ultimate control. But when I finished the sketch, I was so delighted with how it turned out!

    It looked so good and, compared to a graphite pencil sketch, it looked so soft and feminine! Why didn’t I do this before??

    Oh right. My control-needing perfectionism was hindering me.

    And maybe, if you’re a perfectionist (or at least an aspiring micromanager) like yours truly, it’s hindering you to try out new things too. Maybe you’re stuck in the morning traffic and you’re already late and you sorely wished to be like Hancock and just throw all the cars in front of you.

    But you’re not Hancock. And the morning traffic happen every-freakin-day. So instead of trying (and failing) to control it, wake up early.

    So I want you to think of all those things you didn’t do or plans you cancelled or frustrations you’ve had because of something you can’t control. Think of the color pencil you were avoiding like the plague. Now think of what you can change. Try to look at it at a different angle and see what controllable thing you can do instead.

    Who knows? Maybe, like me, you’d delightfully think: “Why didn’t I do this before?” 😉

    Let’s talk, yeah? Are you a perfectionist? Have you avoided something like the plague because you’re afraid you can’t completely control the outcome? What did you do? Do share them in the comments below!

    Have an awesome day! <3