I briefly mentioned in my 2022 purchase ban that I already successfully did one specifically for art supplies a year back. Whilst going over my old files in my computer today, I found this draft, aptly named “Feels Weird.docx”, that I never finished about my feelings after that 2021 art supplies purchase ban. I don’t really want to finish it now, but the sentiments I held more than two years ago still ring true today. I also like how “unfinished” it is and that there’s no concrete conclusion at the end – because, even though I have resolved about certain things about my relationship with consumerism, that’s still how I feel in general. So here it is in its unedited glory:
21 July 2021
It feels incredibly weird. Just a couple weeks ago, I successfully finished my self-imposed “no buy art supply until July” (trust me, the month was random – I didn’t think it would rhyme) without any impulse buying. I celebrated by making my first ever art purchase of the year and they were arriving in a few days. I was looking forward to my new sketchbooks and, after more than a month of playing with pens and paint markers, I was excited to play with a new gouache set. While waiting, I had so many experiments and studies I wanted to do and that I planned on doing. You see, my job had been quite stressful and busy the past month. And so for weeks, thinking about my new art supplies was a way for me to divert my energy from my work and into something that will make me happy and excited.
And it did work.
For a while.
When my art supplies arrived, I didn’t even get to hover over them and admire them and play with them. No, I opened the packages, geeked out a bit, and then put them away because I had to work. Or read my book. Or paint this sketch I had planned (for weeks) to put into my Instagram.
I feel extremely… empty and useless and lifeless.
And instead of trying to deal with all that, instead of doing some self-reflection on what the heck is happening to me, on why the heck I am feeling this way, I lay back on my bed, open whatever social media app I’m in the mood for at the time, and scroll.
And for the past few days, I was enabling myself. I allowed myself to be a bum because hey, sometimes you don’t need to do something and be productive in order to justify your existence. Sometimes, you just need to exist. And I was totally on board with that.
But it’s come to the point when I feel the urge to do… something, anything but I can’t physically make myself do them. Or well, I can technically physically make myself do something, anything but the mental preparation of being like, “Yes, let’s do that now” is not there.
tl;dr: I am a bum and I feel like a bum and I don’t like feeling like a bum but mentally I cannot get myself out of being a bum.
How does one deal with that, hmm?
Photo by David Clarke on Unsplash
Comments
i was going through my journals last night and i came across something similar… 4 years ago im still in the same spot lol like 4 years have passed and i’ve been living in bum mode in some sort of way i realized from reading notes from the past. i have success in some things but in others not much, and it makes me feel like a bum. really though, we are doing better than we tell ourselves and feel!
it’s the frustration of realising there are things about ourselves (some of which aren’t exactly good things) that hasn’t changed. i had to meditate about how i felt after i hit publish on this post. the fact that we feel frustrated about the sameness and acknowledging the parts of ourselves we want to change is a direction, however tiny, to actually being better than we were before! we are moving forward as slow as it may feel 🙂
So true!! Personally for me i just laughed at myself i was a bit upset of course but quickly realized i did do a lot and accomplished a lot. Just laugh move on and be proud of where u are no matter what we do it like sloths and sloths r cute lmfaoo