Feels Weird.docx – thoughts from two years ago

I briefly mentioned in my 2022 purchase ban that I already successfully did one specifically for art supplies a year back. Whilst going over my old files in my computer today, I found this draft, aptly named “Feels Weird.docx”, that I never finished about my feelings after that 2021 art supplies purchase ban. I don’t really want to finish it now, but the sentiments I held more than two years ago still ring true today. I also like how “unfinished” it is and that there’s no concrete conclusion at the end – because, even though I have resolved about certain things about my relationship with consumerism, that’s still how I feel in general. So here it is in its unedited glory:

21 July 2021

It feels incredibly weird. Just a couple weeks ago, I successfully finished my self-imposed “no buy art supply until July” (trust me, the month was random – I didn’t think it would rhyme) without any impulse buying. I celebrated by making my first ever art purchase of the year and they were arriving in a few days. I was looking forward to my new sketchbooks and, after more than a month of playing with pens and paint markers, I was excited to play with a new gouache set. While waiting, I had so many experiments and studies I wanted to do and that I planned on doing. You see, my job had been quite stressful and busy the past month. And so for weeks, thinking about my new art supplies was a way for me to divert my energy from my work and into something that will make me happy and excited.

And it did work.

For a while.

When my art supplies arrived, I didn’t even get to hover over them and admire them and play with them. No, I opened the packages, geeked out a bit, and then put them away because I had to work. Or read my book. Or paint this sketch I had planned (for weeks) to put into my Instagram.

I feel extremely… empty and useless and lifeless.

And instead of trying to deal with all that, instead of doing some self-reflection on what the heck is happening to me, on why the heck I am feeling this way, I lay back on my bed, open whatever social media app I’m in the mood for at the time, and scroll.

And for the past few days, I was enabling myself. I allowed myself to be a bum because hey, sometimes you don’t need to do something and be productive in order to justify your existence. Sometimes, you just need to exist. And I was totally on board with that.

But it’s come to the point when I feel the urge to do… something, anything but I can’t physically make myself do them. Or well, I can technically physically make myself do something, anything but the mental preparation of being like, “Yes, let’s do that now” is not there.

tl;dr: I am a bum and I feel like a bum and I don’t like feeling like a bum but mentally I cannot get myself out of being a bum.

How does one deal with that, hmm?

Photo by David Clarke on Unsplash